Saturday, November 13, 2004

twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go

So I'm still working on the sedation piece for my Web-Based Curriculum elective from earlier this month. No, I didn't quite finish it before I went on vacation. Because I'm BAD. Keep your children away from me parents, I don't finish my homework. Also, sometimes I eat candy for dinner.

Did anyone get the title of this post, by the way? The Ramones? I'm doing a project about sedation? Oh, clever, clever me. I would have just called the post "I Wanna Be Sedated" but I had another post with that title already from two and a half years ago, while I was rotating through anesthesia as a third year med student. Funny how your views on a field can change from med school up through residency. Keep that in mind, wee med students. What sounds bad or good in theory might not be quite the same in practice.

I mean, I still think some of the things I noted back then are true: 1.) that OR cases might occasionally be boring between takeoff and landing, and 2.) that sometimes surgeons can be pricks. But I think it's going to take a long time before I feel comfortable enough to be bored during an OR case. Like, years. It just seems so nerve-wracking is all. This change in attitudes highlights the key difference between med students and residents, by the way. Med students have all the luxury of learning (yes, luxury) and ultimately none of the responsibility. Trust me, it's a nice life, so enjoy it. Residents, on the other hand, have the onus of needing to learn, and responsibility for everything. Well, not everything. Guess we can't really help it if the ceiling caves in over a patient's bed. (Unless yo' momma was so fat and she caused the ceiling to cave in by standing on the floor above. Oh snap!) So believe me, it's much more scary being a dumb resident than being a dumb med student. Not getting honors versus killing someone? I'll take the Low Pass any day.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night because I kept fretting to myself about being one of the seniors on the wards next month. I know, I know. "You're ready for it." "It'll be fun!" "You'll enjoy the role." I've heard all the arguments and encouragements already. But the fact is, I'm more than a little nervous about having to be in charge, especially overnight. What, all of a sudden, I supposed to know what to do? Because what if I don't? And then what, I ask you? Won't somebody please think of the children! (tm Maud Flanders) [correction: tm Helen Lovejoy. Thanks, Hazel!]

In typical obsessive-compulsive fashion, I'm sort of going over in my head what I'm going to say to the team our first day to briefly set the stage before rounds. Most of the interns have been on the wards before, which is nice, though I have one new Emergency Medicine intern who will be rotating through Peds for the first time. And to top things off, we have a shiny new crop of med students starting on Monday too. Oh, shiny med students, the glare is so bright! Hopefully they'll be somewhat enthusiastic and excited to learn, and not like those crops that rotate through near the end of the year that are all bitter and disinterested and hide out for hours in the student lounge. (In other words, med students like me.) I feel a little like an RA in college the day before freshman orientation. I want everyone to be happy and fun and be best friends forever and ever woo! Let's get all our patient work done early, so that we can make friendship bracelets and braid each other's hair!

There is also a secret fear in my heart that everyone's going to think I'm incompetent and hate me.

Currently reading: "The Corrections." Still. It's a long book, OK? Also related, the book club is updated through October.

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