the underwear drawer

things not to do when your wife is pregnant

(Scene: yesterday, after dinner)


MICHELLE
(Getting up to go to the kitchen)
Well, now I'm going to have some ice cream.

JOE
Uh, no you're not.

MICHELLE
Why? Why not?

JOE
Because I kind of muh-muh muh-muh-muh...
(Descending into indistinct mumbling)

MICHELLE
What?

JOE
(Slightly louder)
Because I kind of ate it all earlier this afternoon.

MICHELLE
What? When?

JOE
When you were out in the living room watching TV.

MICHELLE
You ate all the ice cream?

JOE
Yeah.

MICHELLE
So there is no ice cream.

JOE
No.

MICHELLE
The house is devoid of ice cream.

JOE
Yes.

MICHELLE
Cletus just tapped me out a message in Morse Code. He says he hates you now.

JOE
I'll get you some more ice cream.

MICHELLE
You always do this! And you never get more ice cream! You never get anything good at the supermarket! You just buy, like, a bag of carrots, and pretend like it'll replace the package of Nutter Butters that you demolished. You just think that if you're not the one doing the actual buying of the junk food, it makes you a healthy person somehow.

JOE
I'll get you some more ice cream.

MICHELLE
And the worst part of it is, I just went to the supermarket an hour ago! And before I left, I asked you if you needed me to pick up anything! That might have been an opportune moment to mention, "Uh, honey, I just ate all the ice cream, maybe we should get some more."

JOE
I didn't know.

MICHELLE
Didn't KNOW that you finished off the whole tub of ice cream?

JOE
I'm going to go down and get you some ice cream now.

MICHELLE
No. Forget it. I'm just going to eat...(searching refrigerator for suitable proxy)...cottage cheese instead.

JOE
If you want me to go, I'll go.

MICHELLE
(Sulking)
I'll get some tomorrow. You'll probably just get something gross, like...I don't know, rum raisin or something.

JOE
Does Cletus still hate me?

MICHELLE
Yes.


Currently watching: The Oscars. Because I'm kind of a sucker that way.