Yesterday I decided that I was going to try my first Big Mac. I know it seems unlikely that I've lived in the United States my entire life and never had a Big Mac, but that's the truth. (I have eaten several Whoppers, however, for what that's worth.) What I really craved were some McDonald's fries--whatever crazy oil they cook those fries in must be laced with the crack cocaine, because there is just no substitute--and while in McDonald's, I figured oh, what the hell, might as well go whole hog (as it were) and ordered the whole Big Mac meal.
Reflections afterward on the Big Mac: eh. It was OK. What the hell was that salad dressing in there, though? Was that the famed "special sauce," because it looked and tasted like Thousand Island.
The fries, however, were awesome.
* * *
So sometimes I like to watch these medical shows on TV. Not medical shows like "ER" or "Grey's Anatomy" (the latter which I've never watched, but have this hunch that I would find it overly melodramatic and therefore irritating), but medical shows like the ones on The Learning Channel. I know many of these shows are more sensation than science (behold the number of shows about trauma in the ER or plastic surgeries gone horribly wrong), but some of them are kind of interesting. I realize, though, that what I do when I watch these shows is the same thing that some guys do when they watch sports. I talk to the TV. And sometimes, I yell at the TV.
Yesterday, Joe and I were watching this show called "Amazing Medical Stories," which featured three patients with, uh, amazing medical stories. The first one featured a guy with a giant disfiguring AVM on his nose and forehead, requiring resection and the fitting of a prosthesis.
MICHELLE
That's a big one. I hope they scanned him, to make sure that he doesn't have AVMs hiding out anywhere else.
SURGEON
(On the show, talking to the patient)
We're going to have to resect all the way to here, and put in titanium screw here for the prosthesis...
MICHELLE
Scan him! Scan his brain!
SURGEON
(Continuing, because people on TV can't hear you screaming at them)
...and in a couple of months, you're going to come back to fit the prosthesis.
MICHELLE
Are you going to scan his head or what?
[Next scene: The surgeon is looking over a panel of the patient's head CTs.]
MICHELLE
(Vindicated)
Ah.
The second story was the story of a guy who got his arms fried off after an accident with a high voltage line, blah blah blah special nerve-integrated prostheses. The final story, though, was about a baby born nine weeks premature who was intubated and had a stroke that rendered her paralyzed from the chest down.
JOE
Oh oh.
(Covers Michelle's eyes.)
MICHELLE
What? I can watch this. I'm brave.
JOE
Too scary.
MICHELLE
Too scary for me, or too scary for you?
JOE
Too scary for me.
MICHELLE
We can change the channel.
JOE
No.
NARRATOR
(On TV)
But with the aid of blah blah blah technology blah, little Ashley is able to walk for the first time.
JOE
Wow, that's awesome.
MICHELLE
(Snotty)
Well, the real question is, why would an ex-31 weeker have such a bad outcome in the first place? Why with no comorbidities, if she was just a normal 31 weeker, would she even need to be intubated? What kind of dog and pony show are they running down there? Haven't they heard of CPAP?
JOE
I don't know. Maybe she had other problems that they didn't mention.
MICHELLE
(Talking to TV)
Why did you have to intubate so aggressively? What about the risk of IVH?
JOE
Stop yelling at the TV.
MICHELLE
Well, it's making me mad.
Then I realized, and not for the first time, why some people hate having doctors as patients. Because we can be extremely annoying. Or at least I can be.
Currently reading: "Mutants: On Genetic Variety and the Human Body." I thought this would be more of a history-of-science kind of book, but it turns out to be much more science and much less history than I'd anticipated. You should probably have a relatively strong interest in embryology and genetics if you're looking to get into this one.
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