Saturday, April 21, 2007

30 posts in 30 days, day 18: the son of the cooper report

Hi! Look at me! Hi! Hi!

I'm Cooper! I'm standing here!

Now I'm standing over here!

Hi! Helloooooo! COOPER! Here!

Hey, are you going to eat that?

Oh, you are? Hey, no problem. That's cool. You go ahead and eat. Enjoy yourself. I'll just be hanging out right here, next to you. Riiiiiiight here. No no, don't mind me. You just keep eating. Looks good. Is it tasty? It must be. I can tell by the way you're chewing it. There you are, with the food. Eating. And me, not eating. Just watching.

Hey, so I haven't checked in in a long time! Not since right before THE CAL came to live with us. Why, there's THE CAL now, clomping around in Joe's boots and screeching. THE CAL is everywhere. THE CAL is loud. To be honest, when he first came home, I really didn't care much for THE CAL.

First of all, he was pointless. He just LAY there being inedible and did NOTHING. Therefore, POINTLESS. Second of all, after he got home everyone kept telling me to BE QUIET and CALM DOWN when people, I WAS ALREADY BEING QUIET AND CALM. So calm! And quiet! VERY VERY CALM AND QUIET! Anyway, it was THE CAL that was making all the noise, I don't know why they kept making it out like I was barking all the time. Yes, sometimes I bark, but only when I have a VERY GOOD REASON to. Like when I hear people talking by the elevators. Or when I see other dogs walking down the sidewalk. Or sometimes when I breathe air that has a barky smell.

So yes, anyway, THE CAL came to live with us and took up a lot of space with his pointless being and his useless clutter and untouchable toys. It was boring and it was a waste and frankly, I was a tiny bit jealous. I mean, come on, a BABY? What's the last time you saw a baby do something AWESOME like kill a cockroach and then toss it up in the air with his jaws and then roll around in the roach's partially chewed carcass? Babies are so overrated.

But then about a year ago THE CAL started to become slightly less pathetic. He started standing up and doing stuff. He started thinking that I was very, very funny, perhaps the funniest thing he's ever seen. Most importantly, he started eating food. Suddenly THE CAL became very, very interesting to me.

We have a whole system worked out and everything. Want to know it? OK, here it is. THE CAL is in his high chair for lunch. I hang out by the base of the high chair, but casually, very casually, like I don't have a care in the world. Food? What food? I don't care about the food being passed around two feet above my head. THIS IS PART OF THE SUBTERFUGE.

Then near the end of the meal, when defenses are low, THE CAL will casually take a piece of food in his hand and caaaaaasually hang it over the side of the high chair. I continue to pretend like I don't care, because food is for mortals and therefore beneath me. But really, I do care. I use a Method Acting technique. Usually I try to think about something to which I am utterly indifferent. Like, oh, say, obedience training. There. I have achieved the correct degree of bored detachment on my face. It's magical.

We wait for the right moment. Then, when the adult figure is suitably distracted (ants on tabletop, phone ringing, ubiquitous Britney Spears analysis in tabloid magazine), THE CAL will let the food fall, and I will be all over it in a flash of teeth and fur. Sometimes I catch it in midair. Sometimes I do a flip. It's a well-oiled machine, people. What a team.

So Cooper, you may be asking, you get the food, but what does Cal get? Well, invisible internet persons, let me tell you. I am a fair dog. I do what's right. If THE CAL shares his food with me, it's only right that I share mine with him. And he appreciates it, I can tell. You should just see the look on his face when he's trying to chew up my kibble with his pathetically small teeth. But just make sure Michelle doesn't catch him doing it, because for some reason she gets all bent out of shape at the mere thought of her kid eating processed farm animal offal and fillers, and then I just have to say, NOW WHO NEEDS TO BE QUIET AND CALM DOWN?

Currently thinking: I need to shed 30% of my body weight in fur for the Spring. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. Right after Michelle finishes sweeping the floor.