Friday, October 12, 2007

how to get kids to hate you

First of all, let me be clear that I know that I don't have the healthiest eating habits. I know that, OK? But at least I'm not a damn hypocrite about it.

My point is that Joe, Joe is the hypocrite. He may not be as unapologetic about it as I, but like most residents (or recent former residents, in his case), he eats like crap during the week. The problem with Joe is that he has to RUIN it for everyone else. For instance, as I have discussed in the past (wow, more than four years ago), how Joe pretends to be healthy is by eating all the junk food that I buy, though never actually buying any on his own, thereby creating the illusion that he is somehow not involved in said junk's food chain. When I finally get after him to REPLACE THE DAMN CANDY THAT YOU FINISHED, OR WE ARE GETTING DIVORCED, he will invariably do something asinine, either buying some crusty old man candy like Dots, or totally betray me by getting a bag of carob drops or some other hippy crap, feigning ignorance. In summary: eats just as much crap as me but refuses to own up to it, and tries to create some cloud cover of pseudo-wholesomeness. These replacement snacks that he buys are enjoyed by no one human, including Joe himself, and they sit in the cupboards for months and years before they are eventually stealthily discarded under cover of darkness.

Joe's sister is coming to visit us this weekend from Baltimore, bringing along her two oldest kids, who are eight and six. In addition to changing the sheets on the guest bed and whatnot, we made plans to do a little food shopping so that there would be enough food for everyone to graze on for the weekend. Joe was in charge of placing the Fresh Direct order. "Make sure to get some snacks for the kids," I reminded him, relishing the role of Fun Aunt. It's not like I wanted him to order pork rinds and a bulk box of candy bars or anything (though both of those items have seen the inside of our snack cupboards) but I was thinking, hey, it's school-aged kids, maybe we could get them a box of cookies, or maybe a carton of ice cream for dessert. However, what Joe decided to order for them was this:

Give him a few years. He's going to be the guy who gives out raisins to the trick-or-treaters. Or a handful of peanuts. Actually, we could just give out little baggies of this snack mix, since I guarantee you that this entire bag will still be around, unopened, on October 31st.