Wednesday, April 09, 2008

the rough patch

Hi there. I was taking a little break from blogging. Not quite sure why, I just kind of felt like I didn't have anything to write about, and this pressure I was putting on myself to update every day (including weekends--not that I should say that like some sort of virtue, since honestly, it's easier to update on weekends) started to feel a little like the sword of Damocles swinging over my head. The sword! She is swinging! MUST UPDATE WITH INANE OBSERVATION ABOUT THIS AD I SAW ON THE SUBWAY ABOUT HAMMERTOE REPAIR! Anyway, it started feeling a little strangle-y, this edict to update daily, but then I realized that this edict was self-imposed and therefore just as easily revoked. It was a relief for a little while, but then Joe came up to me today and asked why I hadn't updated my blog for a week, what, was I in some sort of catatonic depression or something? So I felt the need to set the record straight.

Honestly, I have also been just a little bit stressed about work. Did I tell you I just started another month on OB? No, I guess I haven't, because I've been on a break. Anyway, pregnant ladies, ho! It is not OB itself that is stressful (though the intrinsic high-stakes nature of the place is unavoidably adrenaline-inducing), but the real reason I have been stressed is because I have just not been on my A game lately, and it is kind of psyching me out so close to graduation. Specifically, with procedures, I have had a rough few days, and I'm starting to think wonder if I don't have some sort of degenerative neurological condition that is causing me to fumble at every single turn. Sometimes it is not my fault (difficult anatomy, equipment being mysteriously broken) but the problem is that sometimes it is, and every time I make another little mistake, I just get myself even more stressed, because I think, shit, I'm a senior resident, I'm going to be an attending in a few months, and I'm not supposed to be making mistakes like this anymore. Not to belabor the sports metaphor, but some of the things I'm doing are pure bush league (having trouble with epidurals, contaminating myself accidentally during procedures by doing something completely STUPID like touching a patient's shoulder while wearing sterile gloves), and it's messing with my head, and making me fumble even more.

I think this "psych out" phenomenon is something that probably everyone can relate to, but especially stressful in medicine, where even little mistakes can lead to grievous harm for your patient. I definitely haven't strayed into "grievous harm" territory, but still, there's no reason I should be having the problems that I'm having, no matter how inconsequential, and it's freaking me out. It's been a few days of this now, and I know I just need to take a deep breath, get out of my own head, and just start fresh tomorrow. But I think about it, you know? I just think and think and think about it. The perils of a Type A personality. You can't just let it go.

Anyway...updates! So! Cal got into the school that we wanted him to go to! I know this will inevitably incite some snorting from the dissidents about us being the crazy parents that had to get our kid into THE PERFECT SCHOOL, but there are no apologies here about wanting Cal to go to a great school with superb teachers that is a ten-minute walk from our house. (Maybe eight minutes if you didn't have to actually walk with a kid who insists on stopping to jump off every stoop along the way.) So, we are really, really excited about this. He's going to love this school, and we're going to love being poor! (Ha! This is called a "joke." And yet...that tuition. Wow.) The three big things related to our move (home, job, and school) have all fallen into place quite nicely, and now we are moving to the second-tier stressors, which includes filling out paperwork for hospital credentialling, starting our search for childcare, that kind of thing. Know of a good nanny looking for work in the Atlanta area? Feel free to e-mail me, send smoke signals, whatnot.

There are probably some other things of import (and of minimal significance but nonetheless amusing) that happened this past week, but I can't think of them right now. It'll come back to me, though. Just like my dexterity and professional self-confidence, right?

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