I think I know how ladies with big boobs feel now, because when I talk to people these days, there's the subtle darting motion of eyes looking from my face to my belly, then back to my eyes again. Sometimes you can just see it in their faces, that they want to ask me if I have a fetus gestating up in there, but that they don't quite dare. Sometimes they do just come out and ask, usually the ladies feeling more comfortable doing so than the men, but I think everyone has a fear of what would happen if I actually said "no". No, actually, I'm an alcoholic, and I'd thank you not to point out my ascites, you BASTARD. Of all the social faux pas, probably the one most ingrained into the minds of the polite gentleman is to make any remarks whatsoever on any part of a woman's anatomy that is increasing in size. So some people don't say anything. They dart glances and look away, and later on, pull someone else aside and ask them if I'm pregnant or not, because they sure as hell can't risk asking me.
* * *
Another busy day in the ER, seeing all manner of patients sick and not-so-sick. Which brings me to the topic of the patient most loathed by most ER physicians--the tagalong. I don't know if it's as common in the adult world, but in the Peds ER, with large families and multiple siblings, the tagalong is the unfortunate byproduct of parents with no childcare and a limited understanding of what the E in ER stands for.
To put it succinctly, the tagalong is the healthy sibling (or cousin, or offspring) of an actual sick patient, who the parents inexplicably feel the need to get checked "since we were coming here anyway." For example, my tagalong today was the younger brother of a kid presenting with chest pain and syncope. The tagalong's chief complaint? He has ringworm. Had he been seen by his doctor? Yes, three weeks ago. Has he been given medication? Yes. Is he taking the medication? Yes. Is it getting better? Yes. So why did you register him for emergency services? Because I figured we were coming here for [older brother's] chest pain, so we might as well get [younger brother] checked out too. Ugh. Hate the tagalong. Do you know how much paperwork your fungus just generated?
Still, the annoyance of having to see a tagalong aside, they were still better than my all time classic MiNERVA recipient (Most Non-Emergent ER Visit Award). Stop me if you've heard this one, but my god people, THERE IS NO EXCUSE. Behold:
TEEN GIRL
I came to the ER because I don't know why I can't get pregnant.
MICHELLE
Wait, you want to get pregnant?
TEEN GIRL
Yeah.
MICHELLE
And you're upset because you're not.
TEEN GIRL
Yeah, me and my boyfriend been trying to get a baby for six months, but it hasn't been working.
MICHELLE
And you're sure that you want to get pregnant too, not that your boyfriend is pressuring you or...
TEEN GIRL
No, no, we both want to have kids. But I want to make sure there's not something wrong with me because it's not working so far.
MICHELLE
You know, this is really more of an issue for your regular medical doctor.
TEEN GIRL
Yeah, but this is important.
MICHELLE
Well, there isn't much in the emergency room that we can do for that, but it's not so busy now, so I'll tell you what. I'll do a routine exam and maybe we can send some simple cultures and blood tests, just so that when you do make an appointment with your regular doctor, she can have something to start with. But an infertility workup, if that's really what you have, isn't something that's done in the ER.
TEEN GIRL
(Impatiently)
Is this going to take a long time? The exam and the tests?
MICHELLE
A little while, why?
TEEN GIRL
I have to go. I have an appointment in half an hour.
MICHELLE
Where? With whom?
TEEN GIRL
With my gynecologist.
MICHELLE
(Hurls self in front of truck.)
Currently reading: "Epileptic." I'm not sure I really like this book. The art is pretty to look at and all, but it's a little wavy gravy for me. Give me a straightforward story any day.
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