Friday, April 09, 2004

bi-pod

First, an apology to the Pilot G2 X-Fine Point Gel Pen. I'm sorry, my pet. You are my new favorite. All other pens can go to hell.

So I'm a little pissed with Apple right now. Pissed because they're dumb. Well, either they are or I am, and I'd much rather blame the faceless corporation. To start from the beginning, I decided to get Joe an iPod for his birthday. Well, because he's turning 30 and he needs a fancy, high-tech gizmo to make him happy and forget about the fact that he's practically a geezer. Though, actually, the closer I come to my 30th birthday (a little over four years away now--I'm a president away from middle age!) the more I think that 30 is the new 20. But more on this theory later.

I bought the iPod off the Apple website because they offer free engraving, one small way to personalize the Gift of the Season (who isn't giving iPods as presents these days?) and because free is always good. To be fair, Apple warned me that I should not make the purchase with my debit card. They told me in the order form that banks had a way of declining payment for iPods ordered with debit cards because it would amount to a large, atypical purchase (for most people, anyway) and sent the fraud department scrambling. But I figured I'd try my luck and order it with my debit card anyway. Mainly because it's the only credit card I have. So maybe the moral of the story is that I shouldn't keep throwing out that junk mail that says I'm pre-approved for various and sundry cards, because they could occasionally come in handy.

Anyway, the bank rejected the purchase, Apple notified me, and I got a call from my bank's fraud department, all concerned. So I called them back.


MICHELLE
Yeah, so I know what all this is about, I bought this iPod, blah bling blah, so could you just approve the purchase? I'm not a thief. Ask me my mom's maiden name, the last 4 digits of my social security number, whatever information you need to know.

CITIBANK DRONE
Well, what would be easiest is if you just placed the order again, and I'll make sure that it goes through.

MICHELLE
Really? What if they send me two by accident?

CITIBANK DRONE
No, because I'm only going to approve the new purchase.

MICHELLE
Are you really sure? Because the thing's kind of expensive, and I would hate to order two.

CITIBANK DRONE
It won't happen. I will only allow the new order to go through. The old order will be blocked.

MICHELLE
(So foolishly trusting)
OK, cool, la la la!
(Scampers on merry way)


So what to I hear from Apple this afternoon? That my online orders are in the mail. Both of them. Gargh!

Though, I guess, in re-reading my telling of the anecdote, it really does seem that I was the stupid one in this equation. Damn you, exposure of own fallibility in the cruel light of reason! Again, I say, gargh!

I was getting all bent out of shape because I got the fucking things engraved after all, so how can they take them back, there's writing all over the metal casing? However, when I called the Apple Customer Service office, they assured me that I would be able to return one of them, unopened, and they would refund me the full amount of my purchase.


MICHELLE
Refund?

APPLE DRONE
Yes.

MICHELLE
Full refund?

APPLE DRONE
Yes.

MICHELLE
Even with the engraving?

APPLE DRONE
Yes.

MICHELLE
Really?

APPLE DRONE
Yes.

MICHELLE
Sweet! La la la!
(Skipping away)


So I guess what this story really shows is that I've learned nothing.

Currently reading: The New Yorker and To Kill a Mockingbird. Still haven't gotten to the trial yet.

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