the underwear drawer

"the end of the affair," a play in one act

The thing that sucks about being on-call on a Saturday is that after you've finished, you're still only halfway through your work-week. It's just a really long week.

I wanted to be all decadent post-call and watch while lounging around in my bedclothes, so I went to Blockbusters and rented "The End of the Affair," starring Ralph Fiennes and Julianne Moore. It was not my first choice by any means, but they'd run out of copies of "Angels in America" and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," so what was I supposed to do? Maybe try this Netflix thing instead. Anyway, it's moot, I went to Blockbuster and rented "The End of the Affair." It seemed promising at the time--good cast, Neil Jordan, all British and World War II-ish, shades of "The English Patient." But the movie did not live up to the promise. Here, in brief, is a synopsis.

RALPH FIENNES

(Typing)

I am writing a story about how I hate Julianne Moore, because we had an affair, and then she ended it. Hence, "The End of the Affair." Grr. HATE. Her.

(Flashback two years earlier)

RALPH FEINNES

Hello, Julianne Moore

JULIANNE MOORE

My husband is boring.

RALPH FIENNES

Sorry to hear that. Let's do it.
(They do.)

(Flash foward)

JULIANNE MOORE

Hello again, Ralph Fiennes. It's good to see you again.

RALPH FIENNES

Go away, affair-ender. I hate you.

JULIANNE MOORE

(Doing the Julianne Moore tears-welling-up thing)

Sorry I set up this meeting. It was a bad idea.
(Coughs delicately into hankerchief)

(At a Detective's Office)

RALPH FIENNES

I want you to spy on Julianne Moore, because I am crazed with jealousy since she ended our affair. Hence, "The End of the Affair."

DETECTIVE

I'll see what I can do.

(Later)

DETECTIVE

She's sleeping with some dude. I saw her getting undressed with him in the room.

RALPH FIENNES

Grrr! Hate her!

DETECTIVE

Also, I stole her diary.

RALPH FIENNES

Gimme that!
(Reads)

JULIANNE MOORE'S DIARY

I love Ralph Fiennes. Hee! "Mrs. Ralph Fiennes." "Julianne Fiennes." Only I had to end the affair because I made a bargain with Jesus. But I am so sad. Now he hates me. Ralph Fiennes, I mean, not Jesus.

RALPH FIENNES

Oh snap!
(Runs to Julianne Moore's house)

RALPH FIENNES

Sorry I was wack. Also, that I totally had a spy come and steal your diary.

JULIANNE MOORE

That's OK. Cough cough.

RALPH FIENNES

Let's do it.
(They do.)

JULIANNE MOORE'S HUSBAND

Hi, honey! I totally don't mind that you're sleeping around with my friend, by the way. But I have to tell you that the doctor called with some test results. You only have six months to live!

RALPH FIENNES

Well, shit. I guess the guy watching her get undressed with was a doctor.

JULIANNE MOORE

That's right, jackass. Cough cough.
(Dies.)

RALPH FIENNES

I hate Jesus.

(Fin.)

Yeah, so that movie sucked. Don't rent it unless you're some kind of die-hard Ralph Fiennes fan, or unless you want to see full waist-up frontal Julianne Moore nudity. Well, I guess that could be a good reason. One interesting thing that I found while scrolling through IMDb, though, is that they're filming "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire," and Ralph Fiennes is playing the part of Lord Voldemort! What a good choice. I always thought Ralph Fiennes looked kind of craven and evil. I also see that Cho Chang is finally going to make her appearance in this movie. Guh. I do not like the Cho Chang sideplot.

Currently reading: "Us Weekly." Does anyone else think that Britney Spear's faux-husband looks like David Silver from "90210"? Also, just finished "Angels and Demons." I was legitimately surprised by the ending--there were so many twists in the plot I was getting whiplash. So I was wrong about the Olivetti thing, but not wrong about the monkey-sex.