the underwear drawer

showbiz

So I promised yesterday that I'd talk about our "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" video interview. Let me say first off that we appreciate all the well-wishers, but I don't think we're going to get picked. It just seems that they must see so many people who want to be on the show, Joe's just probably just one of a huge mob of straight guys lined up waiting to hear if they make the cut. Also, when it comes down to it, we're really not all that interesting. But we made it to the final stage of casting, and that we can feel good about.

The casting office was all the way down in Greenwich Village, on the 12th floor of a building full of showbiz-types. In the elevator, a casting agent was talking with some other casting agent about a bunch of kids who were auditioning for some show or commercial they were filming. "I loved that one little boy. He had the spiciest mouth. He was really hot. That's the kind of kid we need, one with a real spicy mouth." Apparently, people in showbusiness use words completely differently from the rest of us. I for one thought she was contemplating pedophilia. But I guess doctors use words strangely too, like when we use the term "lung embarassment" with respect to respiratory distress. The lungs are embarassed now? Why, did their shorts fall off in gym class?

After a short wait in a lovely, well-appointed waiting room, all Manhattan loft-y with polished chrome and cherry wood floors, we met up with the casting director, who ushered us to a room in the back where a video camera was set up. There, she had us say our names and answer a couple of questions on-camera, mostly centering around why we wanted to be on the show and what things Joe could use help with style-wise. At one point, the casting director asked me, "Michelle, what is Joe's worst habit?" I went blank. I mean, does he have bad habits? Absolutely. Are they things we talk about in the public sector? Not if I want to stay married, they aren't. So I said something lame about how he's so tired all the time and sleeps through our "date nights," which is true, but certainly doesn't make us sound very exciting. As Joe put it, they're probably not thinking, wow, we really want to cast the guy who sleeps all the time. But I don't think they'd want to cast the guy who farts and then blames it on the dog, either. (Oops. Let that one slip. The divorce papers are being prepared as we speak.)

So anyway, after the interview was over, we spent another few minutes talking with the casting director as we were waiting for Joe's polaroid headshot to develop. I think this was all part of the plan, to engage us while the camera was off, to see if we were more relaxed while not being filmed, in a more natural interaction. The first polaroid turned out to show Sleepy Joe (his eyes were closed) so they took another one. Then they gave us a packet of FAQ about casting and said that they'd probably contact us in a few weeks if they were interested in having us on the show. My thinking is that this is the last we'll hear from them. But it was fun to get this far at least, and do something off-the-beaten-path from our workaday lives. Even if there's no free couch at the end of it all.

But now, just because I can, I will reveal the dirty little secret of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." You know how they make it seem, on the show, that everything happens in one day? Like they swoop in, destroy your house, take you out for new hair and new clothes, give you cooking and "culture" lessons, and then you come home a few hours later to find your house completely redone? Well, that's a LIE. Well, maybe lie is a strong word, since they never explicitly stated that it all happened in one day, only implied. But it's a MISREPRESENTATION. On the FAQ sheet, the state that if you're picked to be on Queer Eye, you have to leave four (4) consecutive days free for shooting. And over those four days, you're not allowed to stay at your house. The show puts you up in a hotel for the duration of shooting, while they're renovating your home. (Oh, I'm sorry, I mean your "crib.") And in order to create the illusion of continuity, they ask everyone on camera to wear the same clothes for four days straight. Gasp! I never knew. But these are the things you learn, when you're a big power player like us in the wild world of showbiz.

Currently reading: "Angels and Demons." If this guy Olivetti isn't the Illuminati mole in the Vatican, I'm going to eat my hat. I mean, if I had a hat. If my speculation turns out to be true and I ruin the surprise for anyone who hasn't read the book yet, sorry. But come on people, it's SO OBVIOUS, clearly he's EVIL. I don't know what's going on with this crippled guy, though, there's some secret subplot going on that I haven't quite figured out yet.