unsolicited advice

I've not gotten a lot of unsolicited advice yet with respect to my pregnancy, because I've mainly only told friends and family about Cletus, and I'm not really showing enough for most other people to guess that I'm pregnant. But today I got a little taste of what's to come. And I don't think I like it.


MICHELLE
(Wandering over to a nursing pod, eating a cup of Japanese rice crackers and drinking an Orange Slice)

ATTENDING
(Eyeing snack disapprovingly)
Are you sure that's good for the baby?

MICHELLE
(Looking around NICU)
Which baby?

ATTENDING
(Glare)

MICHELLE
Oh, that baby. I mean, uh, this baby. Oh, it's fine. See, it's just rice crackers. (Showing her) Rice! And an orange soda. Uh...fruity! See?

ATTENDING
Are you drinking enough milk?

MICHELLE
Well, I'm not really a big fan of milk. I don't like how it tastes. But I'm eating a lot of dairy. Yogurt and cheese and stuff.

MICHELLE'S INNER MONOLOGUE
And ice cream.

ATTENDING
You should be eating dairy. And more protein. Fish is good, you should be eating fish.

MICHELLE
No problem. I like fish.

ATTENDING
The omega-3 fatty acids are very good for fetal development.

MICHELLE
Just had a tuna sandwich for lunch, in fact.

ATTENDING
(Darkly)
But not tuna. Tuna is bad. Because of contaminents.

MICHELLE
Oh, you mean like mercury?

ATTENDING
(Ominously)
MERCURY.

MICHELLE
Well, I don't really eat tuna all that often. And anyway, it was just half a tuna sandwich.

ATTENDING
You should eat salmon. Salmon is safe.

MICHELLE
(Agreeably)
Sure, I like salmon.

ATTENDING
But not Atlantic salmon! Atlantic salmon is contaminated too. You should only eat Pacific salmon.

MICHELLE
Uh...OK. I'm make sure I stipulate Pacific salmon the next time I go to the fish...eating...place.

ATTENDING
You don't want to hurt the baby!

MICHELLE
No, I don't. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some crack to smoke.

(Exeunt)


I know that people are just trying to help, and be nice, and to school me on what does a gestating fetus good. But for chrissake, I'm only going to use reasonable caution in deciding what I eat, and not go all hippy-trippy and Mother Earth, eating only things hand-picked by artisans or caught in hemp nets. At least at this stage, I can play civilian with the unsolicited advice, because I don't know as much about Obstetrics as I do about some other parts of medicine. But I swear, if people start coming up to me after we have this kid and start giving me advice about how I'm feeding/dressing/handling/rearing the little sucker, I'm just going to staple a copy of my "Michelle Au, MD, Pediatrics" business card to their foreheads. And I thought I wouldn't find a use for all the extra Peds business cards I'd have lying around after I switched to Anesthesia.

Currently reading: A discussion if mother drive-bys (or unsolicited parenting advice) on Chez Miscarriage. Thanks to Kim for the link!