Monday, November 28, 2005

lies and the lying liars who tell them

I was just thinking the other day about what damn liars doctors are. Especially about stuff that will hurt. Why is it that doctors will never tell you up front that something is going to hurt? We all just shroud it in euphemisms and hope that people won't catch on until it's too late to run away. Well, let the lies end. Here are the euphemisms and their translations.

"A little pinch"
= This is going to hurt.

"This may sting a little" = This is going to hurt.

"You're going to feel some pressure"
= This is going to hurt.

"You're going to feel a lot of pressure"
= This is going to hurt a lot.

"This might be a little uncomfortable"
= Don't scream too loudly in pain when I start jamming this pointy thing into you

"This portion of the procedure is always extremely stimulating to the patients"
= If they were awake, this patient would tell you this is the sensory equivalent of getting their kneecaps sawed off (which some of them are)

And finally, my favorite, said while performing spinal anesthesia: "You're going to feel a little prick in your back" = This is going to hurt, and also, try not to laugh at what I just said.

Currently eating: Baklava. I love baklava. Some people don't like it because it's too sweet, but of course it's too sweet, it's puff pastry soaked in honey. That's the whole point. If you want not sweet, go eat some celery or something, you commie.


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