the underwear drawer

oh "tannenbaum"

So is it lame to have a fake Christmas tree? I like having a real tree, because, you know, the smell, and also there's something sad about building a tree out of a set of metal piping, but it seems like it might be the safer way to go this year. For you see:

1.) A fake tree is less likely to catch on fire.

2.) A fake tree is less likely to crush Someone if Someone decides to pull on it in order to learn important lessons about gravity, or Other Someone decides to knock it over while tearing through the house sniffing and barking maniacally as Other Someone is occasionally wont to do

3.) A fake tree will not leave a sad trail of dessicated needles all through the house, and a fake tree will not need to be sawed apart on January 1st to facilitate exit from our apartment.

4.) One time cost, which means more money for DRUGS.

But I'm still on the fence about it. I know many people have fake trees, especially in the city, but as I've always had a real tree, there seems something sad and wrong about it.

Here's one I was looking at:

OK, so first let me save you the effort of pointing out that this tree is WRONG because it has fake pinecones on it, which is just one step away from having a tree with tinsel already stitched into its branches, but this tree seemed like it might be a good option because it is SKINNY, which means that it will fit in our living room.


Here's one without the pinecones. But it is not skinny, so it may not fit. I mean, it looks reasonable enough in the picture, but who's to say that in real life, it doesn't look like a giant wad of shiny plastic pipe cleaners? Do you have a fake tree? What do they look like? Are they all bald? Can you see the giant metal pipe in the middle?


Now, this tree might seem tacky, but this white tree is what I would get if I were SUPER MOD and I had a MOD apartment like the one Hugh Grant has in "About A Boy," and I were having a really glitzy Christmas party where I'd invite all of my ARTIST and MODEL friends over to look GLAMOROUS and hang DISCO BALL ornaments all over my MOD white tree.

However, this is also the same Christmas tree that Winona Ryder's family has in "Edward Scissorhands," which means that it is probably tacky.


That blue tree is like the kind of tree the Grinch would have in his cave. (Before he turned good, I mean.)

Wow, a pink Christmas tree. There is no better way to make sure your son grows up to be a lead dancer in the revival of "Cats."


I take it back. A black and red feather Christmas tree is a better way.

So OK, ignore all of the non-green trees. I'm still on the fence with respect to bio-tree versus the flame-retardant plastic tree. Opinions? Will Santa skip our house if we have a fake tree? Or will he give us extra presents because we didn't pay for another innocent conifer to DIE?

Currently watching: "Borat." We're a little late on this one, but we haven't had babysitting up until tonight. We may even be able to enjoy the movie if we aren't deafened by Cal shrieking five blocks away, because WHO IS THIS STRANGE MAN YOU'RE LEAVING ME WITH? (Um, it's your grandfather.)