apparently my own wifely skills leave something to be desired
In my defense, I think the problem here was that I tried to bake these in the toaster oven instead of the regular oven to SAVE ENERGY (I don't even know if this is entirely true, but the regular oven is bigger, thereby needing more time to heat up) and the heating coils in the toaster oven got a little bit...close.
(These are biscuits from a tube, by the way. I know. Idiot proof, right? Well, I SURE SHOWED THEM, DIDN'T I?)