Wednesday, November 28, 2007

this just in

NEW YORK, New York, Nov. 28 -- The body of a 29 year-old woman was found in her apartment earlier today. The cause of death has yet to be identified, but preliminary coroner reports indicate that her brain, worn down after years of postgraduate medical training and deconditioned by too many episodes of "America's Next Top Model," apparently exploded out of her ears with catastrophic force during an altercation with her two year-old son, Cal.

"Yeah, I heard them talkin'," reports neighbor Dave Blackburn. "She was trying to get him ready to go to the playground. He kept saying 'no' to everything. Real annoying. Anything she suggested, he would just scream, 'NO! NO! NO!' Then she tried a different tactic. Tough love, you know? Instead of trying to reason with him, she just tried telling him, 'Look, here's what we're going to do,' and wrangling him into his shoes and jacket and stuff. That just made things worse. He just started screeching. Real loud. Set off a couple of car alarms. After a while with the screaming, I heard this kind of popping sound. Guess that was her brain, exploding and all. I seen it in the news." Blackburn added afterwards that Cal was, "A real cute kid. Never knew he had it in him."

Reached for comment, Cal had only this to say. "No! Don't want to! Want to go to the playground! No! Want to stay home! No! No want to stay home! Want to go out, ride bicycle!" After which point he descended into hysterics regarding the fatal juxtaposition of his shirt sleeve with his wrist. "No sleeve! No like sleeve! Fix it! Fix it!"

State-appointed lawyers are reportedly planning to plead not guilty by reason of insanity.

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