These are the last vacation pictures I'm going to post, I promise, because I'm pretty sure there's no faster way to get people to want to punch you in the mouth than forcing them to look at your vacation pictures. Probably the only thing worse than that is coercing people to read the manuscript of the book you're writing--believe it or not, I didn't even ask Joe to read my book until I got the galleys, and he's contractually obligated to do whatever I say.
Anyway, we were on vacation, and we thought it might be nice to get a family photo. That's not too much to ask, is it? We were all standing around on the beach already and it was the golden hour (which makes everyone look attractive), so it seemed like as good a time as any. So we got Joe's mom to hold our camera, wrestled the two kids into our lap, and gritted our teeth together rasping "happy family happy family happy family" under our breaths. Click.
JOE: I always have a good photo face!
MICHELLE: While I will use my standard "not quite smiling but pleasant" photo face! And maybe if I tickle Mack, he will smile!
MACK: NO.
CAL: And I will grab Dad's balls!
JOE: Not only do I always have a good photo face, I can maintain the same face for a long time!
MICHELLE: Dammit, now Mack is trying to get away. Let me pull him close to me to create a simulacrum of filial devotion.
MACK: GRAA, T. REX EAT MACK HAND.
CAL: Never has anyone ever sat more awkwardly in a lap than I am sitting in Dad's lap right now. But never mind. Blue Steel! Magnum! El Tigre!
JOE: See? I'm still doing it! My face, it does not move! Ever!
MACK: GRAARAAAH! T. REX EAT HAND EAT ROCK EAT STICKS T. REX EAT IT.
CAL: I tire of this. The energy of this shoot is all wrong.
JOE: In fact, I might be a wax statue, for all you can tell!
MACK: BUGS! BUGS FLY ON MACK! NO LIKE THAT! BUGS!
JOE: The truth is, I died an hour ago, and nobody noticed! It's called rigor mortis, bitches!
MACK: BUGS ON NECK NOW! BUGS! NO LIKE BUGS ON NECK! T. REX EAT!
MICHELLE: (Eyeing possible escape routes.)
okay, this is hilarious. I laughed really hard.
ReplyDeleteIf you photoshop the last picture of Cal and Joe into the first picture with you and Mack it will be a perfect family photo and no one (except readers of this blog) will *ever* find out.
ReplyDeleteQuite possibly the funniest post you have written! Absolutely love it! I laughed out loud, literally. Great stuff!
ReplyDeleteROFLMAO! Love your captions!!!
ReplyDeleteLOVE IT !
ReplyDeleteI was dying laughing.
cute
ReplyDeleteHEE! Oh wow, best vacation photo ever.
ReplyDeleteLOL! Joe has mad skillz.
ReplyDeleteThe best bit is, much as Joe's face never moves.... neither does Cal's hand!
ReplyDeleteThis is so hysterical!!! I was crying from laughter!! Maybe Joe is a wax statue!..at least in these pictures anyway.
ReplyDeleteFunniest. Entry. Ever.
ReplyDeleteAnd wow, you're right, Joe's expression really never changes!
omg so funny- i cracked up reading this. cute pictures though!
ReplyDeleteIf I print these out and do a flip book, I feel like I am there - just like mamacissy was!
ReplyDeleteThat was absolutely hysterical.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHA ure seriously hysterical!
ReplyDeletegood lord you are hilarious.
ReplyDeleteOMG, I am dying laughing.
ReplyDeleteLol...highlight of my night, Michelle! I think Cal inherited Joe's ability to keep his photo face on too (except for the blink photo).
ReplyDeleteGeez, he really did stay exactly the same. Lol
ReplyDeletel!
I am laughing and crying out loud on-call... thanks!
ReplyDeleteIs your husband as funny as you? Because I pretty much would like to marry you and if he is half as funny as you are then I will quit school and move to Atlanta and become ya'lls slave.
ReplyDeleteFunniest captions ever! I was snickering and laughing out loud the whole way through. :D
ReplyDeleteMichelle, I've been reading your blog since 2006. I think I just laughed more at this photo narrative than I have laughed at anything you've ever written. And that's a lot of laughing.
ReplyDeleteAHHHHH I JUST LAUGHED SO HARD AT THESE CAPTIONS! :D love it
ReplyDeleteROFL that is fecking funny! i was laughing so hard...joe has mad skills, and what on earth is cal doing!? hahah...
ReplyDeleteI am laughed so hard. Love it!
ReplyDeleteThat is GREAT
ReplyDeleteand I'm sorry, but this simply had to be done::
animation!
His head really doesn't move!
oops, I broke it
ReplyDeleteone more time
HILARIOUS.
ReplyDeleteFunniest Post!
ReplyDeleteGolden hour may have even sped up the rigor mortis ;)
THANK you. That was hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI was reading this post during a boring dentistry lecture, and I had to read in installments to keep my laughter to semi-concealable levels. Even so, a classmate still poked me in the back to ask if I was having a seizure!
ReplyDeleteHILARIOUS!!!!!
That's so funny! At least you tried...
ReplyDeleteUsually when people post LOL on comments (elsewhere) I assume that what they really mean is that a faint smile crossed their face. Not so here! I needed a good laugh this morning and Michelle, you delivered the goods! Like other long-time readers, I'm pretty sure that this is the funniest thing I've ever read here. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteIs it just me, or does the funny writer lady have even better wax statue skills than her husband? Michelle, your face is even more rock solid than his. Such focus!
ReplyDeleteYeah, but at least I moved a little, to BREATHE and stuff!
ReplyDeleteI totally laughed a long hard belly laugh with this one. I agree, one of the funniest posts ever! I always love the posts, but don't remember laughing this hard since the time you kissed Cal's poopy finger.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely brilliant! Had a wonderful chuckle, thanks for posting!
ReplyDeleteI haven't laughed out loud at a blog in a long time, but the whole Joe thing cracked me up so badly that my husband came down to see if I had lost my mind. Let us not judge Joe too harshly, Michelle. There are benefits to being waxen, and when I think of some, I will let you know.
ReplyDeleteI presume Joe's face is like that because he is afraid to breathe lest his balls be pinched off.
ReplyDeleteLoved your vaca... Julia
I recently tried to take a family photo my daughter's preschool wanted for their family wall. It took 76 shots before I was able to get two that would work (if I photoshopped them together). Nobody believed I could be serious - 76 photos to get one, you're kidding, right?
ReplyDeleteI bet you would.
My poor second year surgical resident husband was napping with the baby and I woke both of them up laughing. I gotta say the ball snatching pic made me laugh the hardest.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, I may look up the costs of Hilton Head and maybe schedule our next vacation there. It looks lovely.
Kudos to Joe for holding that face while his balls were being grabbed by Cal!
ReplyDeleteEverything about these pictures is perfect, especially the captions! Thank you for the belly laugh and may your family have hundreds of wonderful vacations, happy memories, and funny pictures like these... :)
ReplyDeleteHaha! How funny!
ReplyDeletehilarious captions!!
ReplyDeletei have never seen anything more funny than this!
ReplyDeleteRemember the blog written a few years back in Cooper's (the dog) name before the move from NY to Atlanta and the blog on Spam. Those also cracked me me. This one is simply brilliant. Michelle, you are one funny girl. I am really proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI usually skip other people's vacation pictures, but the commentary was hilarious.
ReplyDeleteoh my god this was hysterical. I think I almost died laughing.
ReplyDelete